The Little Rock

The giving of love is an education in itself. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

I have been meaning to write this post for some time. I have been struggling with it because the subject touches some raw nerves, and my survival instinct is to push it away. This time around it's been nagging me most of my waking moments, so it's high time I vented.

From my very early posts of a Christmas saved by a puppy, I have described the family I am in as dysfunctional. My earliest memory as a child is, it's never been a normal household. As the parents contemplate the impending divorce, I am told things a twelve-year old should not be partial to.

One parent takes it out on me, the other ignores me. I am brought up by an endless stream of helpers. As far as I am concerned, I have been orphaned at that point. The emotional distance has never failed to bridge all these years. The funny but ironic thing is the child has grown, but the parents are still stuck in the stagnated time tunnel.

I have read a lot of articles that children either emulate their parents or rebel against them. I have chosen the latter. The biggest insult someone can bring on me is I resemble "her". There is an insider joke among the helpers that I am a little rock. One day, I burst out from a piece of rock and no one knows where I have come from. I am cool with being a rock.

The older I get, the less respect I have for them. Bitter, angry, sad, disappointed, ashamed, the list goes on and on. I can still remember the astonishment when I receive the bills from my birthday dinner, sent to the family company for reimbursement. Before my mentor leaves the company, I am given a book which details every reimbursement paid for everything she has bought for me and my brothers.

Gatherings are rarely pleasant, so I have learned to keep my distance. I shy away from as many social calls as much as possible. As for the unavoidable ones, I armor myself with pep talk before and pour me a Black Label after.

When you see a parent at a dinner and he does not even see you or ask how you are or he has left town without you knowing and he is online but never says hello, you know you are the little rock. You just burst out from nowhere.

This is not a sad post. It's a story of a little rock which has magically grown to a rock that is able to anchor the author's life.

(photo: www. woosk.com)

Delivered

Photo by Terry Bear


Photo by Terry Bear

I am so relieved the translation project was completed in a little more than two weeks. It's much faster and streamlined compared to last year. There was a little mishap towards the end though, when I received a call saying the authors of the two remaining scripts could not be located.

The deadline came and went and three days later, I received the final scripts. By this time, I have completed eighteen drafts and these two were submitted in a matter of hours. I wasn't worried about the deadline because by now there wasn't one. I just hated having things unfinished.

I have been criticized that when I commit to do something, I have to get right on it like a full steam engine. This personal attack is really stupefying to me. How else can you complete anything otherwise, if not for full commitment? I don't feel a comeback is necessary for the criticism, just that people have different values.

My belief is under-promise but over-deliver. After all, my company's reputation rests on it.

I am happily looking forward to my next project. I have finally found a budding photographer to take photos for my posy portfolio!!
(photos by Terry Bear)

Regrets

Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself.
I am large, I contain multitudes. ~ Walt Whitman

So much has happened in the expanse of a year. So much has changed, leaving me a little sad and nostalgic of things past.

As I am working on the final drafts on the translation project, I can't brush away the feeling of deja-vu. I was working on the same project last year, albeit outsourcing a third of the drafts. This year I am working on my own and the good news is it's much more efficient.

The bad news is missing the laughter, the sharing at the studio. Studio White opened on September 26th last year. Although the studio still exists as a virtual studio, I really miss the little hangout. It is a really neat studio. I remember going to pick out the lights, mirror, cabinets, coffee table and the sofa...Every time I open the door to the studio, I would go "wow, it's so nice!"

Tant pis everything is truncated when we have to give back the place. After the move, nothing is the same. I still feel the studio has a premature end. The biggest loss though, is the shared dream and vision. Now, as I am rounding up the translation project, I am left with what I have been feeling all these months but refused to acknowledge, a sense of loss.

I have been feeling out of sorts over the weekend and completely unawares that it's the Canadian thanksgiving weekend, which is a month earlier than the States, I cannot find my friend whom I trust would "get" me. As the battery on my phone dies after 2 hours, the verdict is I finally have to face the fact that I have lost my direction in life. Gone is the blanket of complacency and the blinding denial.

It's time to do something, to emerge from this lull because at my age, I don't want to leave this world with any regrets and I have plenty. It's ironic, but my friend is right in saying the one thing I have no regrets is working in my previous job because I have delivered everything, given my all. Thinking back, she is right. Now, I have to put that enthusiasm into my new endeavor, because really, I don't have room for regrets.

photo: www.freefoto.com

Vegetarian

I have become a 100% vegetarian couple weeks ago. The reason I say 100% is because I used to eat chicken and seafood. I have quit eating beef, pork or any kind of mammal since I was 16. It's not as hard as I thought, abstaining from the rest. After a few weeks without chicken or fish, I can't put a morsel in my mouth now.

About 2 weeks ago, I read and watched a Peta file on how diary cows are abused and used to the maximum to milk them for money, money and more money without any consideration these innocent animals can feel pain, emotionally and physically. After they have lost their value, that is when the cows can't stand or milk anymore, they just leave them to wither and die, lying in their own feces. Milk is definitely gone. I am lactose intolerant anyway, so why buy milk purely for my morning coffee and make these poor animals suffer? I have replaced milk with soy milk and I am so happy Starbuck's and Pacific Coffee serve soy milk if you request it.

A friend posted a video of how they slaughter cows and man was it cruel. Some friends say they don't have the courage to stomach the video but they have the stomach to eat it. They shot a bullet in the cow's head, but the cows were still conscious when they were hooked up, sliced opened and their legs sawed off. The footage showed a cow shedding a tear prior to being shot. All the other cows awaiting their fate were crying in the background.

Peta is not a radical organization. It proposes ethical treatment of animals. When it boils down to monetary gain, ethics is out of the window. If animals are to die for human consumption, can't humans at least treat them with respect, dignity and as humanely as possible? Think of the next burger, steak, pot roast, lamb, veal and milk you take. Can you see the cow, the pig, the lamb, the calf suffering? Can you hear them crying?

People may think that I am radical, like Peta, but there are some friends who are turning away from meat, too. When I eat out now, if the dish has any meat, I'll just tell them I am vegetarian and to replace with vegetable instead. Well, if it's not possible to alter the dish, I'll have a coffee then, black and pick up the tab.

photo http://www.caswellmom.com

Adason

Adason Lo

I was real happy to receive a call from the LUA three weeks ago to do their annual report second year in a row. My work revolves translating Chinese scripts into English drafts. Over the past two weeks, I have received an onslaught of scripts and slaving away with them, not daring to slack because the deadline is real tight this year.

Translation is a very solitary work, which suits my personality and work style perfectly. I could just email the finished drafts without the need to meet with any clients. Since there is only me in the company of the Chinese characters and English alphabets, the downside is after several hours with them, my brain is stuck.

It doesn't help that I am my own worst critic. I would edit the draft a zillion times before submitting them. A word or a phrase would jump out at me and I would go "whoa, where did this come from?" and I would edit the whole piece from the beginning. There are times when I simply could not fathom a phrase that would retain the gist of its intended meaning from one language to another, then I know it's really time to STOP and unwind.

Surfing the tv channels, I chanced upon a singing competition on television. My thumb was hovering over the remote's button but the singing I heard made me froze. It was one of my favorite songs and it's sung so beautifully. I ended up watching the whole episode.

It turned out this brilliant singer is Adason Lo. He is 23 and really talented. He has over 10,000 fans on his facebook page already. He sings, composes music and even plays the piano and violin. His songs are all by my favorite artists, and a lot of us fans, even judges, think he interprets them better than the original artists. That first time I heard him sing on TV, I went "Wow". I have followed 9 episodes now, the show is the highlight of my Sunday evenings.

He wrote a note on Oct. 1st on his page, thanking his fans for the support. At last count, there were close to 400 encouraging comments. Like a lot of fans, I felt touched by his note. I left a comment telling him that his singing and especially his talent had touched a lot of people and to do his best this Sunday.

Being able to immerse myself in this beautiful voice of his helps me unwind completely. With a freshened mind, the phrase I have been struggling before would pop out out of the blue. Can't wait till tomorrow night to hear Adason sing again. Ganbatei!!