Spring Cleaning

I used to love living in my apartment, in this neighborhood. Despite the rent hike back in March when the lease was renewed, I thought it was worth every dime. The neighborhood was like an extended family (or so I thought) until I started shrinking away from my usual haunts. I felt being watched, stalked to be more precise. It sounded a bit crazy but when you had to close the curtains in the bedroom for fear of someone telling you"Saw your cat on the window ledge but your curtains were drawn so I guess you're still sleeping." It literally made my skin crawl.

Then came the incident when the security guard let a whole bunch of people in and made a circus outside my door. Not only the management and the security guard did not apologize, they made some lame excuse to say they were worried about me. Huh? We weren't even on speaking terms. Give me a break.

To some people I might be making a big deal out of this incident but as a person who prized privacy, I felt violated. What happened the following months didn't start out as a plan, it just took its natural course. It finally brought on what I now knew was what I wanted subconsciously - move. After some legal proceedings I would vacate the premise.

I felt unperturbed and I deduced this zen calmness had to do with the mental spring cleaning over the past months and it had given me a much needed perspective on the bigger picture. It also pulled me back from the abyss of churning thoughts and emotions. I didn't know how resentful I had become and lurking under these misdirected thoughts and unresolved feelings, I was paralyzed with inaction.

As a friend had put it, perhaps it's a nudge from the universe to step out of my comfort zone and rethink where I wanted to live, where as in country, too. The world had suddenly become wider and full of possibilities.

Never Let Me Go

Finally finished reading "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro. It's one of those books I've never quite got to the end on the first read, languishing on the bookshelf for years after. Miraculously it hasn't made its way to the heap I donated to the library.

"Never Let Me Go" is undoubtedly the most disconcerting book I have ever read. I can't remember when a book has moved me so and made my heart bleed. I know it will haunt me for a long time to come.

The story seems innocent enough at the beginning with the children growing up at Hailsham, a school set in the English country side. With the classes, art and guardians it gives you an impression the children are indeed "special" and privileged to be studying there.

Ishiguro takes us through their childhood with the characters wondering about their future and as you get to the end the muted hints dropped here and there hit you full force. Their future has been destined, they'd grow up to be carers, donors and complete.

Most disquieting of all is you are as "sheltered" from the truth as the characters. Through sheer brillance, Ishiguro has made each of them endearing in their own ways. When the reality of why or what they are here for dawns on you (and them), you want to cry out for them. It has been made into a motion picture with Kiera Knightley, just watching the trailer makes my heart break.

It is a morality tale and Ishiguro has written it so hauntingly beautiful you never, never want to let the characters go the way they are meant to. One line will always stay with me. "We always wonder if you have souls at all," says a guardian and that's alluded to the special children at Hailsham.