Closure

Him that I love, I wish to be free - even from me.
~Anne Morrow Lindbergh

I have always thought that when two people enter into an intimate relationship with each other, the natural tendency is to feel that the other person would be more special, more precious, more exclusive and worthy to have a loftier place in your heart.

To me, it is the most natural thing in the world. I was completely caught off guard when I was told that having expectations was a bad thing. Having expectations meant I wanted that person to fill my insecurities. Huh?

I didn't know that wanting to hold hands with someone you like was a sign of emotional insecurity. I was in an entanglement, not anywhere near a relationship, with someone who wanted to keep a distance far, far away in the galaxy, so it would not compromise his freedom.

I wanted Closure, but I was told by different people that I was the problem because I had expectations. Huh? They suggested that instead of ending it, I should stay in it. This entanglement was totally normal, he was simply doing what guys do. Huh?

I stuck with it for another 2 weeks. I even apologized to him for not wanting to hold my hand, that I was nuts. He was so gracious. He accepted my apology. Then the cheering came, the "I told you so....see, he did not want to end it with you". It was my expectations, my insecurities and my emotional baggage tricking me to believe that he failed my expectations. Huh?

Perhaps I live in a different era. I totally do not understand this concept. I believe that having certain expectations in a relationship meant you respect and treasure it. Unmet expectation is excruciating. I do not want to debate whether I am antiquarian in my beliefs. One thing I know is that the most important thing I treasure is compromised, my peace of mind.

Retrieving my peace is the most important task for me right now. I still believe in romance, but not in this compromised way. I feel so stupid to have listened to all this nonsense and wasted two weeks doubting my sanity.

( Peony Posy by Bonnie Wong)