I have been thinking of a way to write about "Love" for a long time. I did not know how to approach it. One part of me think that it's too sappy to write about it. Another part of me, which I dreaded to be a more truthful scenario, is that it would open the flood gates of memories.For a better part of the past few years, I thought that love is very behind me. The reason being none other than that I have chosen to be single at this stage in my life, and most importantly, being single preserves my sanity. I am one of those people who falls hard and would totally lose myself in the other person, which is really suffocating. It didn't help that I was a very insecure person and I would do real stupid things to make the other person prove that he loved me. Well, let's just say it's not a pretty scenario.
I have a bout of insomnia the past week. Even with the little winks I could catch, I would be dreaming a lot. I am finally writing about it because I have identified it as an anxiety attack. What brought it on is that I am attending a wedding of a girl friend in three weeks. This girl friend happens to be a close colleague of the wife of my first boy friend.
Okay, it's been a long time ago....college, freshman year. Okay, if our baby were ever born he/she will be almost university age now. Okay, he is married now for 10 years. Okay, he has a little girl now. Okay, I wonder if our baby would be a boy or a girl....
Okay, I shouldn't get all worked up over this, except I keep dreaming about him. It didn't help that there's the gift and in this case, the curse of facebook. We have added each other on our friends list. It was all okay until I saw the photo album he posted a few months back of his 10th anniversary trip with his wife. Looking at the pictures, I felt stabbed over and over again. I am certain it's not pangs of jealousy. The pain came from "what-if ".
Certain to see his family at the wedding. I hope I could hold my composure. If I do have to wipe away a tear or two, I hope no one would notice. I hope seeing "what could have been" would not hurt too much. Then there is this other thing I have to remind myself of, that I am there to celebrate the happiness of my friend. I just find it a bit ironic with this bitter-sweet feeling.
5 comments:
這是一個很真誠的分享,要寫出這份內心的掙扎,真的不容易!感情的付出是一發不可收拾, 情的傷,比起一切也來得痛,傷口需要多個年頭才可以輕輕地痊癒過!因為愛過就會痛,痛過就會醒.當自己越來越年長,再不希望自己再痛於這個情字當中,可能因為受不住,又可能知道,再沒有幾多個年月讓自己痊癒!眼淚也不再讓自己盡情地流,只會默默地控制著,將目光放在其他事情上,或許這是人生另一個選擇,明知玩不起,無謂讓自己玩下去!
Well, you wrote about it, you have faced it... I hope you feel a whole lot better. I don't know what it is about 'love' that makes people get hurt so much, as much as it Makes them happy.
I wish I was there to take you out for a nice yummy satisfying meal, a movie, even go for shopping and judge all the pretty clothes!
Don't worry, don't be sad, don't think of 'what ifs'. There is no what ifs in your life, there is only the 'current' time.
You got your own countless 'blessings'.
Okay, you can have this 'what if'.
What if this was all meant to be because of the sweet future that's awaiting for you ?
Smile, be the sweet strong-self you can be. :Dhuckwe
oops that 'Huckwe' was word verification :p
Haha, thanks. All of the upset will be worth it if we could do the nice meal, movie and shopping!! I miss girls' day out with you. As a matter of fact, haven't done it for a long time.
Yeah, I do count my blessings and having you as a friend is certainly one of them.
Then there is Porky and the girls. :)
Code verification? I thought that was a message from Leigh tim!! :p
I think that love is over-rated, too. :)
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