Home Sweet Home

It's been eight years since my last move. I have completely forgotten what a pain it is and as a result, have grossly underestimated the work involved. What a lesson!

The old landlord, upon hearing my decision to move, wanted me to move within the week or pay an extra month's worth of rent. I bolted as quickly as I could pack. The new place was not as fixed up as it should be, rushed as I was to move in. Problems surfaced one by one. First, the stove, then the toilet. (Drum roll) Then, I sat on my glasses and the laptop crashed.

What's even worse, when I picked up the kids at the boarder's, Blessing had chewed her foot pads raw, from anxiety, chemical, God-knows-what. My heart almost stopped when I saw her bloody footprints on the kitchen tiles. Man, what had I gotten myself into, everything was spiraling out of control...

I was tired, frustrated, ill-tempered, damn right exhausted. The unpacking took weeks instead of days. It was a nightmare living among boxes. The desolation, hopelessness and futility of it all was complete. There I was in my new pad feeling like a drifter.

Will this place ever feel like home?
                                  *                             *                                *

We've been out the whole day, the kids and me. It's the first time we have ventured out aside from our daily walks. The kids have an overdue appointment at the groomer's. I have the afternoon off.

At first, it's exhilarating, four hours of freedom! I picked up my glasses (very important as I haven't been able to see clearly for a month). I haven't felt so good in months, things are falling into place and life is making sense once more!

I went browsing in a bookstore and ended up with two great reads. What's even better, they were redeemed from bonus points, no money out of the pocket! Armed with my goodies, I sat down for a coffee. Whoa, only an hour had passed? I was so ready to go pick up the kids.

I dived into my new book, read a chapter of it, checked my emails, wrote in my notebook, all too ready to pick up the kids and go home. Huh, only forty-five minutes went by? By this time, I was getting antsy. I didn't want to stay out anymore, so I went back to the groomer's. The lady was running late and the kids would take another hour longer.

I left with my bags, wondering how much more I could drink without exploding. Suffice to say, when the groomer called to say the kids were ready, I went right away. I could see the kids were tired, no food, water and nap the whole afternoon. We hopped on to the next taxi and went home.

I dropped everything on the sofa while the kids went to the water bowl. Porky then looked at me as if to say "what a day, I am exhausted!" Tell me about it. I could see Blessing relaxing the moment we stepped in the door.

The kids were ravenous. Both had a big treat after dinner and they're asleep now. I had not envisioned myself saying this when I went out earlier today, "Boy, am I glad to be home with the kids!"

Today's outing has given me a new perspective on things. Little did I appreciate the fact I had a roof over my head. Instead I keep whining about the unfairness of life. I guess I should have fixed my glasses sooner so I could see how blessed I am.

Boy, am I glad to be home. Home sweet home!!

(pic taken at flower show)

New Pad

It's been a zillion years since my last post. I have moved to a new neighborhood, after living in the old one for eight years. It's quite a change but funnily I am back to where I first moved out in my 20's, Central!! Everything is familiar yet new.

Took the pic at the flower show, hyacinths are featured flowers this year.

Voila, first post from my new pad in 2012!!

There's You

Someone Up There has the wryest humor. Never have I loathed myself more than the past few weeks. Desperate, destitute, desolate. Drowning. What a batch of defeat. 


Now, toss in a generous dose of despised, decried and defamed, then crown it off with a good sprinkle of disgust. Put the batch in a pressure cooker. And voila, a complete recipe for Disaster. 


Life rarely gives us what we want when we want it. Back pedal a few years, a career, name and money somehow can't compete with "a" significant other. What I'd give to have and hold the elusive. My life would be complete. So I thought, then. 


Now, when I have no job, no money and will very likely be forever etched in ignominy, there's you. I don't know if I should laugh or cry, but thank you for being here. Thank you for making me feel I mattered and thank you for giving me a reason to smile. 


There's you. 
No longer elusive but actually here. 
Hey, you.

Scent of X'mas



Pink Snapdragon



Guaging from the onslaught of X'mas catalogues stuffed half hazardly in the mailbox, the festive season has officially begun. 

I love the goodness of X'mas. People are more generous at this time, not only with gifts but in spirit as well. Guess it has to do with the expanse of goodness and well wishes at this time of the year.

I love the smell of X'mas, it's so snugly. It is said the memory of scent lingers, thereby associating us with different times and places. X'mas fills my memory with candles and potpourri scented with tartly sweet berries, spicy nutmegs, cinnamon, clementines, frankincense and evergreens.

I love the warmth of X'mas. Sipping warm apple cider by the fireplace, nibbling cranberry pies fresh from the oven, snuggling under throws, wiggling toes in thick terry socks, wrapping gifts and stuffing stockings.

Cozy and homey and good.

Pour moi, c'est Noel.

Some Advice



Gerber Daisies, love the art deco hue



Found this lovely bouquet on sale at the flower stall. Heck, my place desperately needed a pick me up after two months without a helper. Important lesson learnt - Never, ever, ever heed to advice you innately felt wrong. Ditching the helper was a bad move. I went nuts picking after the kids and myself. I was cranky and tired and the situation felt hopeless. Yes, it was that bad and it was hell.

I finally called my ex-helper. The day she came I fell ill with a pounding migraine. I was running on adrenalin the past two months, strained to the max. String loosened, the tiredness finally caught up.

It's a stupid decision made at a moment of weakness and I still berate myself for it.

What is right for everyone else does not mean it's right for you. Practice listening to yourself and backing your beliefs. Reiterating encore une fois - Never ever, ever heed to advice you feel wrong. Am I glad everything is back in sync. I have a life now.

Kickstart

My ceramic clock

Can't believe it's June already. In retrospect, what have I accomplished the past six months? I have to hang my head and confess, "not much". I have this sinking feeling I am wasting my life away as I leaf through my files.

Wait, tucked between sheaves of paper are two Groupon vouchers for art classes due to expire end of the month. Okay, it's now or never.

I had my first ceramics class last week, we were to make ceramic clocks. I thought it would be just that one lesson but it turned out we had to go back the second lesson to color-glaze our clay moulds. I wasn't expecting much from a discount coupon, but I had one-on-one tutor, free material and loads of fun.

I left class feeling exuberant. Happy that I have learnt something new and actually making something and I love being a student. You just have to bring a sense of wonderment with you. I have a painting class coming up, oh and my second ceramics class. I hope this excitement would kick start the second half of the year with some much needed momentum!!

Freak Accident

I had a freak accident couple weeks ago. Well, I slipped on the bathroom floor and landed on my back. It was a nasty fall as is, but what's worse, the impact was on the same side (left) as when I was hit by a truck back in 2004. Images of being stuck on a hospital bed at once flooded my memory.

Being immobilized is my ultimate fear, be it out of sickness, accident and worse, restrained. I have had my taste of every kind. The helplessness is overwhelming and the feeling of being at the mercy of other people, devastating.

The most humiliating experience happened in 2005 when I was bound hand and feet, carried onto an ambulance, put in a padded room and tied to a bed. I was suspected of committing suicide (drum roll please). Since then, individuals who have put me in that predicament have fallen out one by one. I wouldn't say it's a conscious act, but in retrospect I have never forgiven them. I swear to myself I would never let anyone override my decision, ever.

It was with this conviction I lay on the floor weighing my options. I told myself as soon as I could move I would head straight to the doctor. The next day and weeks after, I had to ingest loads of painkillers and move about bent with the aid of an umbrella. It's infuriating not being able to move freely but I have never been so proud of myself. I have stuck to my belief and it's liberating.

As of this post, I am recovering and I have to thank all the gal pals who have stuck by me and my stubborn beliefs.

(photo)

Unbridgeable Chasm

I have always had a tense relationship with certain individuals. It has gone on for decades and in recent years it has turned uglier and become a blame game with no end in sight. Early fissures and cracks have widened into a chasm.

A recent event has planted both sides on opposite ends of a broken bridge. The differences are just irreconcilable and well the break, inevitable. The surprising thing is there isn't any tinge of sadness. Instead, the closure has brought a sense of relief. The struggle is thankfullyand finally over.

(photo credit)

Simply Being

What defines a person? Does work, title, address, spouse and money define a person? By deduction the person is reduced to the work, title, address, spouse and ultimately money they own. All things extrinsic measure by quantity and by having more.

What defines a person? Stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself with complete honesty. Are you all that you want to live up to be, kind, caring, loving, considerate, truthful, respectful? Everything intrinsic measures by quality and by reaching higher.

What defines you?

One Night

Flowers by Pastel b.

Leaning out the window one night I found a solitary star in the hazy sky. As I gaze upon it I was suddenly embraced with a warmth exclusive to fond memories. The lone star began its metamorphosis, star after star appeared until a celestial canopy canvassed the entire sky, evoking a distant place in my sea of memories, Cape Cod.

Memory can be moulded and sculpted; holding on to every detail is a burden. At some blessed point I decide to tread lighter. Some memories are special and will always be cherished but mere static should be jettisoned. As laps of waves take them further and further out, I feel cleansed with a clearer mind. What's left is a sense of benevolence and truly wonderful memories.

Be selective, choose to keep what and who's worth remembering, discard the flotsam.

Spring Cleaning

I used to love living in my apartment, in this neighborhood. Despite the rent hike back in March when the lease was renewed, I thought it was worth every dime. The neighborhood was like an extended family (or so I thought) until I started shrinking away from my usual haunts. I felt being watched, stalked to be more precise. It sounded a bit crazy but when you had to close the curtains in the bedroom for fear of someone telling you"Saw your cat on the window ledge but your curtains were drawn so I guess you're still sleeping." It literally made my skin crawl.

Then came the incident when the security guard let a whole bunch of people in and made a circus outside my door. Not only the management and the security guard did not apologize, they made some lame excuse to say they were worried about me. Huh? We weren't even on speaking terms. Give me a break.

To some people I might be making a big deal out of this incident but as a person who prized privacy, I felt violated. What happened the following months didn't start out as a plan, it just took its natural course. It finally brought on what I now knew was what I wanted subconsciously - move. After some legal proceedings I would vacate the premise.

I felt unperturbed and I deduced this zen calmness had to do with the mental spring cleaning over the past months and it had given me a much needed perspective on the bigger picture. It also pulled me back from the abyss of churning thoughts and emotions. I didn't know how resentful I had become and lurking under these misdirected thoughts and unresolved feelings, I was paralyzed with inaction.

As a friend had put it, perhaps it's a nudge from the universe to step out of my comfort zone and rethink where I wanted to live, where as in country, too. The world had suddenly become wider and full of possibilities.

Boundary

Spiky Chrysanthemums

The tutoring sessions have earned a much welcomed respite with the arrival of summer. I have serious doubts about doing it again but should there be a change of mind, I'd need to set some strict criteria first. One thing for sure is I don't want my home to be "the" classroom. I simply can't take people poking at my things and asking me questions about my lifestyle.

Next is a polite way to convey to this ex-student to stop reporting his "findings" about my pad, my kids and me to the cafe people. I feel exposed for want of a better word. I have stopped going there for months (although Porky still pulls me towards that direction on our walks). After all, before it becomes such a gossipy place we are there almost every day.

What transpired one particular Sunday night had me so pissed off I decided to end this tutoring business for good. Friday night I received a call from this ex-student, said he needed help with his homework to be handed in on Monday. I told him to confirm on Saturday. He didn't. Naturally, I wasn't expecting him. Best of all he would not be disturbing Porky.

It's been a week since Porky caught kennel cough at the groomer's which had turned nasty into early bronchitis. It was a dry cough and he had been hacking. I had been feeding him bread because his throat was raw from all the coughing. I was planning to have a quiet night tending my pig when an acquaintance called to say they were at a neighborhood restaurant. I didn't want to leave Porky alone so I declined.

I had Porky on the sofa, patting his back to coax him to sleep when a sudden emergency had me rushing out. When I was in the taxi I realized I had forgotten my phone which was charging in the kitchen. I didn't make much of it at the time.

Imagine my horror to discover during the approximate two hours I was out, this ex-student had been banging and ringing my doorbell. He had convinced the security guard I had fainted in my apartment because he claimed to have a SOLID appointment with me. Plus, he could hear my phone ringing inside the house.

What came after was more incredulous, he brought in the nosy waitress from the cafe and both proceeded to wreck havoc to my door. Convinced I was near death, the waitress rallied the acquaintances at the restaurant to the rescue as well. Unbelievable but there it was, a congregation of people outside my pad yelling my name, banging the door and ringing the doorbell. (Everything was recorded by the security camera mounted on the wall opposite my pad.)

The episode finally ended when I phoned the ex-student to see if he had finished his homework. The phone was passed along with questions like, "Don't play, open the door.", "We are all outside your door, open up.", "We can hear your phone ringing.", "You sure you are not home?". Of course I am sure. Retards.

When I came back the first thing I asked the stupid guard was, "Has my son been barking all this time?" He said, "Yes." This one word was all it took to unleash my fury on all those involved in this fiasco. I told him my son had been coughing raw and you guys made him bark for two hours? Porky lost his voice afterwards.

I have no idea there are so many drama kings and queens who love none other than a good drama. I have deleted the main culprits and hid the others on facebook. I have vehemently complained to the management and the security company. The guard has obviously neglected his duties and happily participated to see the drama unfold. Never in all my years have I felt my boundaries so violated at my doorstep, literally.

After I posted the status, friends NOT acquaintances made comments such as," You are not home.", "It's time to cut the retards out of your life." The most ridiculous thing was, except for the ex-student, the guard had greeted me when I came back with my take outs, the acquaintance had spoken to me on the phone and one from the group had even come up to take a package. It's not like I was MIA.

I bought some chrysanthemums the other day and was curious about the name. Staring at the screen, I have to shake my head and appreciate the sense of humor life plays on us. They are called spiky chrysanthemums. What a coincidence, this is exactly how I feel after the incident, spiky!

Bonjour

Ranunculus Blossoms

This is going to be a really short post. Simply want to remind myself I do have one of those rare days waking up refreshed and actually feeling happy.

Calendar

I can't believe it's August already. Looking back on the last eight months, what have I accomplished? Sadly, not much. Work wise I have managed to get some articles published on a tourism website and a thesis on Shakespeare accepted to an academic website. I have also read a dozen books but do they count? It's pathetic.

Embarrassing to admit I have simply wasted too much time on distracting pastimes. Now that almost three quarters of 2010 has passed, it's time to change gears, say "no" to time killers and really get something done. I must regain my footing, find my balance and set sail again. To remind myself of the preciousness of each day, I have changed my desktop wallpaper to a calendar.

I am an avid follower of Design Sponge. D's has announced late last year there will be a new desktop calendar for each month in 2010. The current August calendar is by far my favorite. I love the colors, the pinks, purples, greys and blues blending seamlessly together. I also love the handwritten calendar, visible yet not loud enough to disturb the whole design. The grand sweep of white feathers is successful in brightening the composition with flamboyance and airiness.

Speaking of flamboyance and immediacy I am reminded of a quote by William James to which I have to adhere from this day on.

To change your life:
Start immediately;
Do it flamboyantly; no exceptions.

Why Indeed?

To tell the truth I don't feel like justifying myself as I grow older. I think it has a lot to do with coming to terms with my own quirks. I am very stubborn with certain things but I don't really care one way or another with other stuff. I have very strict priorities and strong beliefs. First on the list, I believe people should respect other people's sensibilities. We all have our reasons for being a certain way.

This post will not exist if not for a new aquaintance who not only likes to cut into you when you are talking but also bombard you with "why, why and more why". As if this is not irritating enough the worst is yet to come. The psycho babble that the reason I am single is because I have some inherent psychological hurdle I haven't overcome. Huh?

This is not an age thing but a life stage thing. People evolve over time. Some things may consume all your energy at one point but when you look at them at a later date, they may be totally irrelevant.

Oh yes, I take Porky everywhere, provided dogs are allowed. I cannot imagine going out with someone who does not love my kids. I want to be respected as an intelligent and independent woman. I want to be able to communicate with my significant other on the same level. I want us both to have big enough hearts and small enough egos.

I want to give back to mother nature for nurturing me all these years. I count my blessings for having so much love and abundance around me. Do I have high standards? Am I setting myself up for failure? My answer is a shrug. I don't care one way or another if this person shows up at this point in my life. I am completely at peace with myself.

Why am I this way? Why indeed?

(I love stairs, can't resist this photo from Design Sponge)

Preference

Desk from Design Sponge

It's been a year since Merlyn has left for the Philippines. I try to keep up with her routine in the early months especially with the kids, but I find myself resenting their every demand and I am always ill-tempered.

A few months back, I come across a detailed article on biological clocks. It's not new literature that early birds and night owls do exist. Most people tend to swing towards one side of the pendulum, but in extreme cases some people are built as birds or owls.

After a year's worth of experimenting, there is no doubt I am a night owl. I am completely out of sync with Merlyn's routine and the anger is a glaring sign I am in the wrong time zone. My schedule and that of the kids now are polar opposite to a year earlier. I go to sleep when I hear the birds chirping in the grey lights of early morning and wake up in the early afternoon.

I use to equate waking up late as being lazy but not anymore. I do the same amount of work, just in my own time zone. I go grocery shopping with Porky at 4am, no crowd, no traffic. I love walking Porky in the still of the night and bask in the the peace, the space. Being an early bird or a night owl is not necessarily one better than the other.

Whatever works. Life is stressful enough.

Reuse

I haven't put much thought into going green but I think this is a step forward. It's no secret I have a zoo and being individuals, they do their thing at different times. I simply cannot stand the refuse can containing excrement so I dump the bag when it is half full, sometimes even less. I know it is very wasteful but I just can't get past the psychological barrier that I want it out of the house.

Groceries used to come in free bags doubling as Ashley's hideout and free refuse bags. Then comes the plastic bag tax. I know it is a step to discourage people using plastic bags. However, it doesn't make sense to have to pay for a bag, so I bring along a large tote to bag groceries home now. With no freebies I have to resort to using more store bought garbage bags.

One morning, sitting in the kitchen sharing my soy bread with Porky, I see Camille going into the litter house to do her thing. We have just finished the last piece of bread and I have this plastic bag dangling in my hand, which I am prepared to throw away. I am poised to scoop whatever Camille has dropped off and the idea just pop that I can use the empty bread bag as a small refuse bag.

It is perfect for the job. I bag the whatever and after tying a knot I dump the small bag into the garbage can outside. I feel so frugal because I throw out full bags now, hence buying less gargage bags. Plus, it's good to know I am reusing unwanted stuff and contributing to going green.

Time

Two years into working from home, I have to hang my head and admit I have accomplished less than I initially hope for. I have read somewhere people who run home offices will be hit with this realization. At the time of the reading I have snickered it will never happen to me. Guess what? It has!! There are zillions of distractions at home and worse, I always harbor the delusion I have more time because I can work anytime I want. Right.

I just end up procrastinating more often. The only time when there is any sense of urgency is when a deadline is staring me at the face. I'd pull all nighters to get it done which ultimately compromises the quality. Suffice to say I am not too happy with it.

I have also come to realize that more freedom equals more discipline. When I don't have to clock in time like at the office, I slack. The all time excuse being I am waiting for my muse to inspire me. Yeah, right. It's true that sometimes I get stuck on a phrase or an idea and it takes some mental construction to see how it pans out. However, more often than not, these are purely excuses and proof that I am not pushing myself hard enough because I believe there is still time.

It's a good thing I am aware of it before I lose any work so it's high time to kick the habit of procrastinating and more importantly, to have a correct perspective of time. Time is too precious to waste.

Naps

I am not a napping person. The rare times I do will see me waking up with a headache and numbed the rest of the day. Plus, sleeping during the day feels lazy and overindulgent. However, I find myself taking more naps these days. It never occur to me that writing is so draining. After hours at the computer I feel my brain has emptied out and I will be in a trance of sorts.

Doing mindless activities like watching TV, surfing the Internet or flipping glossy magazines do not help. Well then, I figure doing something productive can definitely take me out of this lull. Clinging my paperback I flip to the bookmark page and read. I will be totally engrossed in the first few pages, but soon enough I begin to lose focus, my eyelids get heavier by the minute and before I know it I am in la la land.

Amazingly my naps these days do not have the after effect of headaches. I wake up feeling refreshed and more alert. The naps are never more than thirty minutes since I'll be jolted awake by the kids, either the cats jumping on me, Dayee screaming or Porky wanting to get down from the bed.

Gone is the guilt. I now look forward to my naps as a recharging routine.

Unconditional Love

Homeless man cuddling his dog

Porky has been limping recently and it has worsened considerably over the week. On top of that I am a bit worried about his bladder. So off we go to our neighborhood vet. While waiting for our turn, a man comes in with a big dog in a diaper. The dog is skin and bones with bald spots instead of hair and clearly in very bad shape.

Out of suspicion that the man is mistreating the dog I ask him point blank what his dog is in for. He says she is suffering from a bad case of diarrhea, hence the diaper. He then tells me she is 17 years old, which is 119 in human years. She could barely see or hear and her sense of smell is almost gone. The amazing thing is the dog has been walking around all this time instead of wimping and whining.

After a 30-minute wait it's finally Porky's turn but looking at the poor dog, I ask the man to go ahead. Thanking me profusely all the while, he struggles to carry his dog into the consultation room. It is not a big clinic. The consultation room is just behind the reception with the waiting area right next to it, so you can pretty much hear everything being said. The vet asks the man about the general health of the dog. Except for the diarrhea, the senior lady is in mighty good shape. Her senses have deteriorated but she has a strong will to live. Bear in mind she is 119 human years old.

Further questioning from the vet has prompted the man to remember the dog has stolen a sandwich from the coffee table couple days ago, corn beef with egg to be exact. Having identified the sandwich as the culprit I expect to hear the usual lecturing from the vet. To my utter surprise the vet's advice is to give her whatever she wants. The dog is in her twilight years and every day is a miracle.

I am truly humbled by this man and his dog. This is unconditional love and commitment, through sickness and health. Porky's only seven but I know one day he would be showing all the signs of the aging dog we meet that day. I dread the day but my consolation is knowing I would be with him every step of the way, just like he's been with me all these years.