Beaming Flowers

The weather has been real nice and comfy the past two days ranging from 17 to 22c. My mood has visibly kicked up a few notches, having been dampened by the rainy cold spell earlier on. Wet and cold, the worst combination ever.

Grasping the sunny day, Porky and I venture out. Perhaps it's me feeling bright and buoyant, everything around me simply look cheery and chipper. Stopping by the flower stall I make my way to vases of pale pink and green sweet peas.

Preferring muted pastel colors to bright primary colors I would have swooped up a bunch already but these yellow roses are simply irresistible on this gay day. Well, the yellow roses finally win. Now sitting prettily in the living room, they seem to be beaming every time I look.

Wise choice.

(The basket is from an Aveda hamper)

Moodscope

I have been trying out Moodscope for almost a week now. Skeptical at first, I am a complete convert. All of us can "feel" our moods but it's totally different to "see" the change. My week's mood fluctuations coincide with my monthly cycle of discomfort and specific triggers like people who unerringly stress me out.

It only takes minutes to do the test everyday and it's very satisfying to see I am pretty content as a person, that I should not make too much out of annoying people/events and instead pay more attention to my physical well being.

Thumbs up. Try it here.

Simply Being

What defines a person? Does work, title, address, spouse and money define a person? By deduction the person is reduced to the work, title, address, spouse and ultimately money they own. All things extrinsic measure by quantity and by having more.

What defines a person? Stand in front of the mirror and ask yourself with complete honesty. Are you all that you want to live up to be, kind, caring, loving, considerate, truthful, respectful? Everything intrinsic measures by quality and by reaching higher.

What defines you?

One Night

Flowers by Pastel b.

Leaning out the window one night I found a solitary star in the hazy sky. As I gaze upon it I was suddenly embraced with a warmth exclusive to fond memories. The lone star began its metamorphosis, star after star appeared until a celestial canopy canvassed the entire sky, evoking a distant place in my sea of memories, Cape Cod.

Memory can be moulded and sculpted; holding on to every detail is a burden. At some blessed point I decide to tread lighter. Some memories are special and will always be cherished but mere static should be jettisoned. As laps of waves take them further and further out, I feel cleansed with a clearer mind. What's left is a sense of benevolence and truly wonderful memories.

Be selective, choose to keep what and who's worth remembering, discard the flotsam.

Spring Cleaning

I used to love living in my apartment, in this neighborhood. Despite the rent hike back in March when the lease was renewed, I thought it was worth every dime. The neighborhood was like an extended family (or so I thought) until I started shrinking away from my usual haunts. I felt being watched, stalked to be more precise. It sounded a bit crazy but when you had to close the curtains in the bedroom for fear of someone telling you"Saw your cat on the window ledge but your curtains were drawn so I guess you're still sleeping." It literally made my skin crawl.

Then came the incident when the security guard let a whole bunch of people in and made a circus outside my door. Not only the management and the security guard did not apologize, they made some lame excuse to say they were worried about me. Huh? We weren't even on speaking terms. Give me a break.

To some people I might be making a big deal out of this incident but as a person who prized privacy, I felt violated. What happened the following months didn't start out as a plan, it just took its natural course. It finally brought on what I now knew was what I wanted subconsciously - move. After some legal proceedings I would vacate the premise.

I felt unperturbed and I deduced this zen calmness had to do with the mental spring cleaning over the past months and it had given me a much needed perspective on the bigger picture. It also pulled me back from the abyss of churning thoughts and emotions. I didn't know how resentful I had become and lurking under these misdirected thoughts and unresolved feelings, I was paralyzed with inaction.

As a friend had put it, perhaps it's a nudge from the universe to step out of my comfort zone and rethink where I wanted to live, where as in country, too. The world had suddenly become wider and full of possibilities.

Never Let Me Go

Finally finished reading "Never Let Me Go" by Kazuo Ishiguro. It's one of those books I've never quite got to the end on the first read, languishing on the bookshelf for years after. Miraculously it hasn't made its way to the heap I donated to the library.

"Never Let Me Go" is undoubtedly the most disconcerting book I have ever read. I can't remember when a book has moved me so and made my heart bleed. I know it will haunt me for a long time to come.

The story seems innocent enough at the beginning with the children growing up at Hailsham, a school set in the English country side. With the classes, art and guardians it gives you an impression the children are indeed "special" and privileged to be studying there.

Ishiguro takes us through their childhood with the characters wondering about their future and as you get to the end the muted hints dropped here and there hit you full force. Their future has been destined, they'd grow up to be carers, donors and complete.

Most disquieting of all is you are as "sheltered" from the truth as the characters. Through sheer brillance, Ishiguro has made each of them endearing in their own ways. When the reality of why or what they are here for dawns on you (and them), you want to cry out for them. It has been made into a motion picture with Kiera Knightley, just watching the trailer makes my heart break.

It is a morality tale and Ishiguro has written it so hauntingly beautiful you never, never want to let the characters go the way they are meant to. One line will always stay with me. "We always wonder if you have souls at all," says a guardian and that's alluded to the special children at Hailsham.

Boundary

Spiky Chrysanthemums

The tutoring sessions have earned a much welcomed respite with the arrival of summer. I have serious doubts about doing it again but should there be a change of mind, I'd need to set some strict criteria first. One thing for sure is I don't want my home to be "the" classroom. I simply can't take people poking at my things and asking me questions about my lifestyle.

Next is a polite way to convey to this ex-student to stop reporting his "findings" about my pad, my kids and me to the cafe people. I feel exposed for want of a better word. I have stopped going there for months (although Porky still pulls me towards that direction on our walks). After all, before it becomes such a gossipy place we are there almost every day.

What transpired one particular Sunday night had me so pissed off I decided to end this tutoring business for good. Friday night I received a call from this ex-student, said he needed help with his homework to be handed in on Monday. I told him to confirm on Saturday. He didn't. Naturally, I wasn't expecting him. Best of all he would not be disturbing Porky.

It's been a week since Porky caught kennel cough at the groomer's which had turned nasty into early bronchitis. It was a dry cough and he had been hacking. I had been feeding him bread because his throat was raw from all the coughing. I was planning to have a quiet night tending my pig when an acquaintance called to say they were at a neighborhood restaurant. I didn't want to leave Porky alone so I declined.

I had Porky on the sofa, patting his back to coax him to sleep when a sudden emergency had me rushing out. When I was in the taxi I realized I had forgotten my phone which was charging in the kitchen. I didn't make much of it at the time.

Imagine my horror to discover during the approximate two hours I was out, this ex-student had been banging and ringing my doorbell. He had convinced the security guard I had fainted in my apartment because he claimed to have a SOLID appointment with me. Plus, he could hear my phone ringing inside the house.

What came after was more incredulous, he brought in the nosy waitress from the cafe and both proceeded to wreck havoc to my door. Convinced I was near death, the waitress rallied the acquaintances at the restaurant to the rescue as well. Unbelievable but there it was, a congregation of people outside my pad yelling my name, banging the door and ringing the doorbell. (Everything was recorded by the security camera mounted on the wall opposite my pad.)

The episode finally ended when I phoned the ex-student to see if he had finished his homework. The phone was passed along with questions like, "Don't play, open the door.", "We are all outside your door, open up.", "We can hear your phone ringing.", "You sure you are not home?". Of course I am sure. Retards.

When I came back the first thing I asked the stupid guard was, "Has my son been barking all this time?" He said, "Yes." This one word was all it took to unleash my fury on all those involved in this fiasco. I told him my son had been coughing raw and you guys made him bark for two hours? Porky lost his voice afterwards.

I have no idea there are so many drama kings and queens who love none other than a good drama. I have deleted the main culprits and hid the others on facebook. I have vehemently complained to the management and the security company. The guard has obviously neglected his duties and happily participated to see the drama unfold. Never in all my years have I felt my boundaries so violated at my doorstep, literally.

After I posted the status, friends NOT acquaintances made comments such as," You are not home.", "It's time to cut the retards out of your life." The most ridiculous thing was, except for the ex-student, the guard had greeted me when I came back with my take outs, the acquaintance had spoken to me on the phone and one from the group had even come up to take a package. It's not like I was MIA.

I bought some chrysanthemums the other day and was curious about the name. Staring at the screen, I have to shake my head and appreciate the sense of humor life plays on us. They are called spiky chrysanthemums. What a coincidence, this is exactly how I feel after the incident, spiky!